Savvy Solutions for Seniors
Helpful tips for family caregivers

The long goodbye of anticipatory grief

While caring for an older loved one, perhaps you’ve been surprised to feel waves of sadness, a tightness in your chest, or sudden tears. You are grieving. It’s your heart’s way of beginning to let go, even while your beloved is still here. And no, you’re not jumping the gun. It’s a common phenomenon called anticipatory grief.

On the outside, you’re showing up every day, managing medications, making meals. But inside, you’re mourning the slow changes unfolding over time. Maybe your dad needs help with things he taught you how to do. Maybe it’s an inside joke your aunt’s forgotten. Future plans quietly disappear from the calendar. This type of grief is real. It’s valid. And it’s normal.

Experiencing anticipatory grief may feel confusing because nothing final has happened. Yet you may feel a deep, aching loss. Experts call it emotional rehearsal. Your heart is practicing finality. You might feel sadness, anxiety, guilt, or even moments of peace—sometimes all in the same day.

One of the most helpful tools for working through these emotions is talking about them. It might not seem like much, but sharing what you’re going through—aloud, in a journal, or with someone you trust—can bring relief. In fact, a study from the National Institutes of Health found that caregivers who talked about their experiences began to feel less bound to their role. They reconnected with who else they were—daughter, son, spouse, niece, friend. That shift made space for both grieving and loving.

Here are other ways to care for yourself during this time:

• Take short breaks. Breathing exercises or five minutes outside can clear your mind.
• Stay connected. Talk with someone who understands, or join a support group.
• Get rest when you can. Grief is exhausting. Let go of the to-do list sometimes.
• Drop the idea of “perfect.” You’re doing the best you can in a difficult situation.
• Create small joys. Music, photos, or a warm pet on your lap can lift your spirits.

This kind of grief may feel lonely. But you’re not alone—and such grief isn’t “wrong.” Taking care of yourself doesn’t mean stepping back. It means showing up with compassion and noticing the opportunities still available to both of you. Grief doesn’t start at the end. Sometimes it begins with love that chooses to stay present—even when goodbye is already on the horizon.

What is shingles?

You might think of shingles as “just a rash.” While that may be true for many younger people, the viral infection can have serious consequences for older adults. And given that the risk of developing shingles increases with age, it’s something you want to help your aging loved one guard against.

Shingles is caused by the same virus that causes chickenpox. The virus goes dormant in the body after infection. Decades later, as the immune system weakens, it can reactivate and cause a rash of very painful blisters. The most common complication is postherpetic neuralgia, nerve pain that can linger for months or even years, affecting mobility and daily life. Shingles also increases the risk of stroke or heart disease. When it affects the face, it can lead to vision loss.

Symptoms. Watch for tingling, itching, and a stripe of rash on your relative, usually on one side of the torso or face. They may also experience fever, headaches, and chills. If you notice these symptoms, seek out a diagnosis immediately. The sooner they begin treatment with an antiviral medication—usually multiple daily doses of a pill—the better.

Shingles is not contagious. But if someone who’s never had chickenpox touches the blisters, they could catch the chickenpox virus.

Preventing shingles. If your loved one is age fifty or older and hasn’t had the shingles vaccine, now’s a good time to talk about it. Called “Shingrix,” the two-part vaccine is over 90% effective at preventing shingles. Interestingly, a 2025 study found that people who were vaccinated were also 20% less likely to develop dementia over seven years. That’s good news!

Most pharmacies and doctor’s offices offer the vaccine. It’s usually covered by Medicare Part D and many private plans. Even if your relative has already had shingles—or received the older Zostavax vaccine—ask their healthcare provider about getting Shingrix.

The powers and limits of HIPAA

At the doctor or dentist, you have likely signed a HIPAA form “for your protection.” The federal Health Insurance Portability and Accountability Act restricts access to personal health information. This includes your medical conditions, test results, payment details, birth date, etc. This HIPAA protection helps ensure your personal information isn’t sold, leaked online, or even stolen.

On the downside, these restrictions might seem cumbersome when you’re caring for a loved one. The rules are such that healthcare providers have to be careful about sharing information, even with you or other family members. Here are some things to keep in mind:

• Your loved one can tell the doctor it’s okay to talk with you. Or they can sign a HIPAA “release” that names you as entitled to information.
• If you are a healthcare proxy and the power of attorney is activated, you have the right to your relative’s health information.
• Healthcare providers are allowed to disclose information to you if your family member lacks mental capacity to consent and/or if disclosure is “in the best interest of the patient.” However, providers are required to share only the “minimum necessary.”
• Similarly, information can be given in “emergency circumstances” or if your relative is not present to consent. But again, only if the provider deems that it is in the patient’s best interest.
• You are not required to keep your family member’s information private. You can provide information to healthcare providers without restriction. The doctor may not respond, but your input may be helpful for guiding care decisions.

To ensure access. Talk with your loved one. Ask them to sign a release form at the office or give the doctor verbal permission to talk with you. If you are their healthcare agent, give a copy of their advance directive to the doctor or hospital. That way, they know for sure that it is okay to share information with you.